bob ross & me

i have a struggle... don't we all... and for the last several months my struggle has been harder than usual. it has reached a point where my girls have noticed & said something about it to curtis. while i hate that they are affected, i am glad they know our family can talk about stuff.

anyway, last night they were on a trip to michael's, and came home with a surprise for me... you know i love presents... and look what they came home with! a hour long bob ross instructional technique video and a little set of oil paints & palette knives! i love bob ross! and painting is one of the truest respites from the world that i know...

it takes me completely out of my self and my life and lets me forget that i even exist. i can't wait to learn how to paint the "grandeur of summer" with bob ross!

and just because it makes me happy, here's a little song to brighten your morning. 

i'm just not that cool

so last night, after working all day on my feet - working hard, too ... it was so busy! - i went to the delta rae  show in carborro at cat's cradle. they are really good, by the way. but doors at 8, show at 9... which obviously that means that delta rae didn't come on til after 11. and if you've not been to cat's cradle, it's one of those venues where everyone just packs in, sweaty & hot, as close as they can to the stage and there are no seats. no. seats. it is very hard to enjoy the show when you just wish you were in bed, you know? plus no one even tried to grope me or sell me weed. sigh. i'm just not that cool.

but kyra is. meg was at a sleepover last night when her new, paid for all by herself, american girl doll came. so kyra went through all meg's doll stuff, pulled out all the birthday party gear from the licensed american girl doll party kit and set all of meg's other dolls up under a big "happy birthday cassie" banner, with a spread of plastic cake & treats, so that when meg got home and unwrapped cassie everyone could have a big time. it was truly, truly one of the sweetest things. kyra is cool like that.

lastly, look at the cool table curtis made for me from an old window out of the asbury chapel that my dad saved for me! isn't it gorgeous? i am waiting for the paint to dry on the legs, and then i'm going to spend some quality time distressing them... it's going to be fabulous!

love letter to my body

i'm not normally a "joiner", but i saw this  today, and it struck me as something i needed to do. so here goes.

My (dear?) Body,

I am writing to you under protest...but you already know this, and I would rather not try to start healing our relationship by telling you lies.

I don't love you. Yet. But for the first time, maybe I'm willing to try. 

I hide you, disguise you, despise you for not being flawless. But you have never betrayed me. I have been carried by your strength and health without bothering to notice or to offer thanks. You have embodied more Love and Grace than I ever imagined a body could. But I have been blind to your beauty, willfully, turning my head away from mirrors and rejecting gentle hands reaching out to run along my skin. Somewhere along the line, I bought the lie that I should not love you, and that I wasn’t worthy to be loved, because you are not smooth or taut… that you & I are somehow less.

How can I learn to love you, to make us friends and lovers instead of enemies? How do I stop fighting you at every reflection, every meal, every touch?

Maybe you are not less. Maybe you are more.

That scar, maybe it means that Love lives in you. Those lines, maybe they mean we have laughed hard and smiled at strangers. That cellulite, maybe it marks feasts and celebrations with family & friends, babies carried and born, wine and joy and chocolate licked off beaters and not ignorance or shame. What if the curve of our hip and rounded waist are the wondrous mark of a life gifted with plenty and not lack?

I am ready to learn how to love you. I am tired of fighting against you…I want to know what it’s like to have peace between us. I want to live into your strength and beauty, however faltering my first steps may be.

Sincerely, with affection,

me